My wife and I are on a sex schedule....and it's glorious
Now let me preface this by saying my wife and I have been married for more than a decade. We have two beautiful kids and our lives are pretty busy. That being said, there was a time when I was in the mood and she wasn't...my sex drive has always been more than hers (I once thought it was like that with all men in marriages but I have since learned otherwise). These times filled me be with bitterness and resentment and frustration. It got to the point sometimes where my pride got the best of me and I really think about finding satisfaction elsewhere with someone who was interested in me and having sex (This was my move when I was single, I have my main squeeze and a few side pieces -*I'm not proud of it but it's true). But I would never let it go beyond just thinking about it. It was a growing source of angst in our marriage and began effective our simple communication. I'd get so bitter sometimes that I wouldn't consider what she'd say or what she wanted because she'd talk to me like she didn't know I struggling over here. It felt like she didn't care about my needs and by extension, she didn't care about me. Marriage began to feel like a hostage situation because she held the thing I wanted but also decided when I'd get it knowing I wanted it. Now she never used it against me, that might have sent be over the edge...she just withheld it, at least that was my interpretation as a sexually deprived observer. This went on for a few YEARS (Yes, YEARS) until I became so numb to her that when she would come around for sex, I became less and less interested, I started finding different interest...yeah I still wanted sex, but the effort to achieve it made it work than pleasure...I felt like this shouldn't be this hard in marriage. My bitterness had become pure indifference and I was no longer interested in her whimsical attempts at sexual relations. If she didn't want it, I'd focus my energies on anything else that would at least return a degree of consideration and satisfaction for my attention (Working out, gardening, photography, video games, etc.) Staying busy was my new addiction.
But staying busy also meant I was no longer considering her. Arguments were replaced by me just doing my own thing. I was no longer the hungry puppy...I was more of a cat, "You don't want to be bothered by me, I don't want to be bothered by you". And this wasn't an attempt to spur her on, I was just tired of it and I wasn't going to cheat so I tried to maintain. It's funny, most people have asked her why she didn't think I was messing around....and she'd simply say I never thought about it like that (Yeah, she's an interesting one). Anyway, friends were one of the catalysis which jump started her thinking. We'd go out and they would start talking about their relationship and intimacy. Naturally, my wife wanted to contribute our side and she would go into this story, Afterwards, I say to her that she was lying (I wouldn't say that in front of the friends). It seemed like she came up with some "shell relationship" to rationalize what our marriage had become. It was the contrast from the other couples that made her come to terms with her sexual short comings.
She started talking to me about it and I unloaded YEARS of frustration on her (I made sure not to lace it with anger because I would have lost her attention if I was yelling). She accepted her part in the problems (She had done this before and nothing changed, so I didn't really care this time).
We went to a marriage counselor and they said the spontaneity of our sexual encounters was not an area my wife was comfortable with, she needed to know the where and when because her sexual appetite needed to build. The counselor suggested a "sex schedule". I said sure...I wanted 4 days but I was advised we should ease into it....so we agreed on 2 days with a floating day (maybe it could happen day). This way she would know day when intimacy was off the table and days when it was "definitely" happening. I thought these were the end times. All the TV shows I'd watched growing up pretty much cemented that scheduled sex is a sign your marriage is circling the drain. So we went for it...she was content that she could build up and schedule our sexual experiences.......and me?
I was surprised how much I enjoyed this new system, I thought it was due to me getting sex more consistently, which may have been the case but it was also, the rejection was gone and I came to find out that was my biggest gripe. I also learned that when she prepares for sex, she really let's herself go...which was a bigger surprise. I was so caught up in my lack of sex, I failed to consider other factors in play. It did take her a long time to figure out her issues but I wonder if I had been more receptive in the beginning, maybe her revelation would have happened sooner...food for thought....but tonight is a scheduled night so....later
But staying busy also meant I was no longer considering her. Arguments were replaced by me just doing my own thing. I was no longer the hungry puppy...I was more of a cat, "You don't want to be bothered by me, I don't want to be bothered by you". And this wasn't an attempt to spur her on, I was just tired of it and I wasn't going to cheat so I tried to maintain. It's funny, most people have asked her why she didn't think I was messing around....and she'd simply say I never thought about it like that (Yeah, she's an interesting one). Anyway, friends were one of the catalysis which jump started her thinking. We'd go out and they would start talking about their relationship and intimacy. Naturally, my wife wanted to contribute our side and she would go into this story, Afterwards, I say to her that she was lying (I wouldn't say that in front of the friends). It seemed like she came up with some "shell relationship" to rationalize what our marriage had become. It was the contrast from the other couples that made her come to terms with her sexual short comings.
She started talking to me about it and I unloaded YEARS of frustration on her (I made sure not to lace it with anger because I would have lost her attention if I was yelling). She accepted her part in the problems (She had done this before and nothing changed, so I didn't really care this time).
We went to a marriage counselor and they said the spontaneity of our sexual encounters was not an area my wife was comfortable with, she needed to know the where and when because her sexual appetite needed to build. The counselor suggested a "sex schedule". I said sure...I wanted 4 days but I was advised we should ease into it....so we agreed on 2 days with a floating day (maybe it could happen day). This way she would know day when intimacy was off the table and days when it was "definitely" happening. I thought these were the end times. All the TV shows I'd watched growing up pretty much cemented that scheduled sex is a sign your marriage is circling the drain. So we went for it...she was content that she could build up and schedule our sexual experiences.......and me?
I was surprised how much I enjoyed this new system, I thought it was due to me getting sex more consistently, which may have been the case but it was also, the rejection was gone and I came to find out that was my biggest gripe. I also learned that when she prepares for sex, she really let's herself go...which was a bigger surprise. I was so caught up in my lack of sex, I failed to consider other factors in play. It did take her a long time to figure out her issues but I wonder if I had been more receptive in the beginning, maybe her revelation would have happened sooner...food for thought....but tonight is a scheduled night so....later
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